The Loaded Question: How will the Republicans fix the economy?

Which is your favorite Republican plan
to fix America's economy?

A visit from God

Okay, not a visit, an e-mail. Who still uses those? He's old.

Hey Rob: 

What it look like. Holding up okay? Yeah, I got your messages. You'll be fine. Hang in there.

No, I don't know why no one ever thought to just ask me why I let bad things happen to America like disasters and tragedies and stuff. I mean, I'm right here. You'd think they'd just hit me up. But no, they never send me anything. No event invitations on Facebook, nothing. Whatever. Yeah, I'm sure Pat Robertson and Michele Bachmann know what I'm thinking better than I do. That's not insulting or anything.

Anyways, here's everything I can remember. There's been a lot of stuff going on since I created you little monkeys. And you are monkeys. But don't get me started on that, either.

Why I Let Bad Things Happen To America, a list by God
---

Civil War: Wanted America to resolve its bitter white/black racial divide and concentrate on hating those dirty yellow Chinee

San Francisco Earthquake: Furious over lack of gays

Spanish Flu: Trying to wipe out the Spanish, not sure what happened there

Great Depression: Decided to take a "hands-off" approach to Wall Street

Attack on Pearl Harbor: Misguided attempt to impress Veronica Lake

JFK Assassination: Wanted to distract everyone from having accidentally killed Marilyn Monroe (me, not JFK)

Vietnam: Don't remember; acid comedown

Watergate: Nixon kept that one a secret from me, which is actually kind of impressive

Space Shuttle Challenger disaster: Just kind of pissy that day

L.A. riots: Koreans overcharged me for a bottle of Crystal Pepsi

Columbine massacre: Trying to make Marilyn Manson look dangerous again after that horrible "glam" period

9/11: Not nearly enough country music on the radio

Hurricane Katrina: Massive, unprecedented PR deal with NFL

Great Recession: Dick Cheney starts cleaning his gun in front of you, you don't ask questions, my friend

There you go! That's all I can remember offhand. Not what you expected, but remember, my ways are mysterious to behold, yadda yadda yadda. As everything goes downhill, I'll be sure and keep you posted.

Psych! Come on. You know better than that. And tell everybody to not be such a nation of whiners, while you're at it. You should have seen the shit I used to pull on Europe.

Stay up, playa.

God
The Almighty / Maker of Heaven and Earth / Creator of all that is Seen and Unseen
Heaven, The Firmament
>> Check out my blog! epicbeardgod.tumblr.com

I'm sorry, but Michele Bachmann actually has Crazy Eyes

Michele Bachmann has crazy eyes. I'm sorry, she does. I know even Jon Stewart has taken Newsweek to task for their unflattering photo of the Representative from Minnesota's Sixth District, and, as her God is our witness, leading Presidential candidate. But no, she does. She has the crazy eyes. They're anime big and ice-blue and clear and unfortunately accentuated by eyeliner in such a way as to make them look even bigger and crazier than they are. But they're pretty crazy on their own.

Now, this does not make Bachmann herself crazy. But it also doesn't make me a woman-hater, as the right oh-so-disingenuously claims. It just means she has weird eyes. And it wouldn't matter if they looked like Angelina Jolie's, because we already know what's going on behind them is crazy. Michele believes that gays are slaves waiting to be delivered from their chains (coincidentally, her husband runs just such a business on the side!). She thinks Democratic presidents engineer swine-flu outbreaks. She thinks the minimum wage is why we have unemployment. She thinks there's a threat of teachers encouraging children to try gay sex. She thinks it's okay to breathe in carbon dioxide. She thinks the Census will be used to put you in a concentration camp. She's crazy.

This may not have anything to do with her eyes. They might be as innocuous as Obama's jug ears, or Boehner's man can tan, or Sarah Palin's MILFy goodness. You can't really draw any connection to those things and where those people stand politically. But it doesn't mean those things aren't there. If Newsweek had used the very first picture of Bachmann with crazy eyes, ever, there would be reason to complain, like when Time decided to darken OJ's skin tone. I don't defend their decision to add the title "Queen of Rage" to the photo, because she's actually not that ragey, as tea partiers go. But this "crazy eyes" issue is nonetheless a real thing. As I will prove.

First, however, I'd like us to have a good old fair and balanced non-partisan cleansing of our social taboos. We'll never get out of this mess we're in unless we, as Americans, look these hard elemental truths in the face. So here we go: Obama is a smug, distant, emotionally unavailable person. Sarah Palin is a hot celebrity. John McCain is a bitter old hand puppet, which is only partially a metaphor. His wife is so cold you could use her blood as liquid nitrogen. Nancy Pelosi is shrill and unlikable. Harry Reid is a sad basset hound. John Boehner is a country-club metrosexual douchebag. Ditto for Mitt Romney, who is so dull he barely exists. Newt Gingrich needs to go lay down. Keith Olbermann and Bill O'Reilly are egomaniacal blowhards who eat schadenfreude for breakfast. Chris Matthews is a blithering idiot. Ann Coulter writes porn. Lou Dobbs hates Mexicans (except his wife). Bill Maher is a smug sexist pig. Al Franken is kind of an asshole. Sean Hannity and Fox News are ® the Republican Party. Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh are laughing at you, and all the way to the bank. The entire cast of The View should never voice an opinion about anything, ever again. And Michele Bachmann is an attractive woman. From the 18th century. With some crazy, crazy eyes.  

Please note: I did not use any images of Mrs. Bachmann where she was opening her eyes wider than usual in shock or exclamation or joy. I was fair. 







Okay, still don't believe me? Here are the photo outtakes from that same cover story. Much more attractive and flattering photos, certainly. And not ragey. But crazy eye everywhere.