A visit from God

Okay, not a visit, an e-mail. Who still uses those? He's old.

Hey Rob: 

What it look like. Holding up okay? Yeah, I got your messages. You'll be fine. Hang in there.

No, I don't know why no one ever thought to just ask me why I let bad things happen to America like disasters and tragedies and stuff. I mean, I'm right here. You'd think they'd just hit me up. But no, they never send me anything. No event invitations on Facebook, nothing. Whatever. Yeah, I'm sure Pat Robertson and Michele Bachmann know what I'm thinking better than I do. That's not insulting or anything.

Anyways, here's everything I can remember. There's been a lot of stuff going on since I created you little monkeys. And you are monkeys. But don't get me started on that, either.

Why I Let Bad Things Happen To America, a list by God
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Civil War: Wanted America to resolve its bitter white/black racial divide and concentrate on hating those dirty yellow Chinee

San Francisco Earthquake: Furious over lack of gays

Spanish Flu: Trying to wipe out the Spanish, not sure what happened there

Great Depression: Decided to take a "hands-off" approach to Wall Street

Attack on Pearl Harbor: Misguided attempt to impress Veronica Lake

JFK Assassination: Wanted to distract everyone from having accidentally killed Marilyn Monroe (me, not JFK)

Vietnam: Don't remember; acid comedown

Watergate: Nixon kept that one a secret from me, which is actually kind of impressive

Space Shuttle Challenger disaster: Just kind of pissy that day

L.A. riots: Koreans overcharged me for a bottle of Crystal Pepsi

Columbine massacre: Trying to make Marilyn Manson look dangerous again after that horrible "glam" period

9/11: Not nearly enough country music on the radio

Hurricane Katrina: Massive, unprecedented PR deal with NFL

Great Recession: Dick Cheney starts cleaning his gun in front of you, you don't ask questions, my friend

There you go! That's all I can remember offhand. Not what you expected, but remember, my ways are mysterious to behold, yadda yadda yadda. As everything goes downhill, I'll be sure and keep you posted.

Psych! Come on. You know better than that. And tell everybody to not be such a nation of whiners, while you're at it. You should have seen the shit I used to pull on Europe.

Stay up, playa.

God
The Almighty / Maker of Heaven and Earth / Creator of all that is Seen and Unseen
Heaven, The Firmament
>> Check out my blog! epicbeardgod.tumblr.com