I'm sorry, but Michele Bachmann actually has Crazy Eyes

Michele Bachmann has crazy eyes. I'm sorry, she does. I know even Jon Stewart has taken Newsweek to task for their unflattering photo of the Representative from Minnesota's Sixth District, and, as her God is our witness, leading Presidential candidate. But no, she does. She has the crazy eyes. They're anime big and ice-blue and clear and unfortunately accentuated by eyeliner in such a way as to make them look even bigger and crazier than they are. But they're pretty crazy on their own.

Now, this does not make Bachmann herself crazy. But it also doesn't make me a woman-hater, as the right oh-so-disingenuously claims. It just means she has weird eyes. And it wouldn't matter if they looked like Angelina Jolie's, because we already know what's going on behind them is crazy. Michele believes that gays are slaves waiting to be delivered from their chains (coincidentally, her husband runs just such a business on the side!). She thinks Democratic presidents engineer swine-flu outbreaks. She thinks the minimum wage is why we have unemployment. She thinks there's a threat of teachers encouraging children to try gay sex. She thinks it's okay to breathe in carbon dioxide. She thinks the Census will be used to put you in a concentration camp. She's crazy.

This may not have anything to do with her eyes. They might be as innocuous as Obama's jug ears, or Boehner's man can tan, or Sarah Palin's MILFy goodness. You can't really draw any connection to those things and where those people stand politically. But it doesn't mean those things aren't there. If Newsweek had used the very first picture of Bachmann with crazy eyes, ever, there would be reason to complain, like when Time decided to darken OJ's skin tone. I don't defend their decision to add the title "Queen of Rage" to the photo, because she's actually not that ragey, as tea partiers go. But this "crazy eyes" issue is nonetheless a real thing. As I will prove.

First, however, I'd like us to have a good old fair and balanced non-partisan cleansing of our social taboos. We'll never get out of this mess we're in unless we, as Americans, look these hard elemental truths in the face. So here we go: Obama is a smug, distant, emotionally unavailable person. Sarah Palin is a hot celebrity. John McCain is a bitter old hand puppet, which is only partially a metaphor. His wife is so cold you could use her blood as liquid nitrogen. Nancy Pelosi is shrill and unlikable. Harry Reid is a sad basset hound. John Boehner is a country-club metrosexual douchebag. Ditto for Mitt Romney, who is so dull he barely exists. Newt Gingrich needs to go lay down. Keith Olbermann and Bill O'Reilly are egomaniacal blowhards who eat schadenfreude for breakfast. Chris Matthews is a blithering idiot. Ann Coulter writes porn. Lou Dobbs hates Mexicans (except his wife). Bill Maher is a smug sexist pig. Al Franken is kind of an asshole. Sean Hannity and Fox News are ® the Republican Party. Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh are laughing at you, and all the way to the bank. The entire cast of The View should never voice an opinion about anything, ever again. And Michele Bachmann is an attractive woman. From the 18th century. With some crazy, crazy eyes.  

Please note: I did not use any images of Mrs. Bachmann where she was opening her eyes wider than usual in shock or exclamation or joy. I was fair. 







Okay, still don't believe me? Here are the photo outtakes from that same cover story. Much more attractive and flattering photos, certainly. And not ragey. But crazy eye everywhere.