I don't need to tell you about Facebook. Facebook is God. It is the new drug of choice. Its many tentacles reach into our online experience like so many strangers' hands in our pants. To call it all-encompassing is to fail to fully encompass the hyphenate "all-encompassing." It touches everyone, like a Oscar-winning drama, or a Senator. And so it has come to revolutionize everything about our lives, even the time-honored, decade-old tradition of being a jackass on the internet.
Used to be, you'd get on the webs in little clumps of nerds and argue landmark rulings like Kirk v. Picard with no real fear of reprisal; since you didn't know these people sending out these little smoke signals, you could a) try and socialize, making new friends across the world, or b) vent all your pent-up frustration and alienate the shit out of everyone, for fun. The latter became known as "trolling," the former became "social networking."
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| Arrrr, beware of them what fly the flag. |
Hence, douchebooking.
Look, we've all slipped up. It's like saying something awkward at a cocktail party. It happens to the best of us. But the true douchebooker not only makes these mistakes on a constant, near-daily basis, they fail to understand that their glaring, outmoded personality flaws are as grating a blast from the past as the sound of a dialup modem.
Here's a field guide to douchebookers. Again, I've made about half of these mistakes myself. It's okay to find you've impersonated one of these people; just don't be one of them.
The "actual" asshole. Beginning most of your Facebook comments with "actually" is a great way to piss people off. It sets you up, in your own mind, anyway, as the Sole Arbiter of Truth. This works especially well if the fact you're refuting is trivial and buried in a much larger point, or isn't a fact at all but an opinion. "Actually, 78.4 percent of Americans are Christians, not 76 percent. And actually, Jesus IS the son of God, which you'd know if you'd read the Bible."
The threadjacker. Loves to take over a thread, usually to make it all about them, specifically commenting with something no one could possibly want to start a thread about. "Cute shoes on that rape victim! I have a pair like that!"
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| You don't have to look like this to douchebook, but it doesn't hurt. |
The edgy idiot. This is the guy you used to only meet drunk in bars, the guy that decided long ago it was safer to just hurt people first. His "humor" is legendary, not for making people happy, but for putting him in the hospital. He thinks jokes are little balls of undisgested hate. He thinks casting aspersions on the sexuality of a rival sports team is the height of wit. He does not understand the phrase "too soon." "I guess those tsunami victims no so horny anymore!!!"
The cyberstalker. Despite what Nancy Grace tells your mom, there's not a whole hell of a lot the police can do about this guy. He wants to fuck you. He figures that you haven't given in because he hasn't told you enough times. The amount of attention he pays your posts is directly proportional to your relationship status. He systematically "likes" every photo and comment you've ever made. "You and ur friend are so hot!! We should hook up in a 3way j/k lol"
The self-involved artiste. In between inviting you, a stranger, to every event he organizes, this douchebooker must also drop references to his band/novel in every single comment. He has a pathological need to let you know he's on his way up, and that you will be glad you got in on the ground floor, wink wink. "Dude, we do a song like that! And Trent Reznor goes to the same bar as my bass player. You should come see us. Only a matter of time."
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| Somebody's into you! |
The time traveler. Has the ability to alter the space-time continuum in order to go back and see that band before you did. Also has special powers that allow him to have already known something for years once he sees it on Wikipedia. "Yeah, everyone knows harold Davies was first chosen to represent Wales in the 1922 Five Nations Championship game against France, but was replaced shortly before kick off, along with Swansea's Frank Palmer, by Cliff Richards and Islwyn Evans.[3]"
The airport tarmac. Wandering around in a perpetual fog and being completely lost as to the nature of the conversation is no reason not to put your two cents in. After all, the internet belongs to everyone, especially you. "LOL! I have particle physics going on to. IN MY PANTS"
The superficial skimmer. Doesn't really care about you or what you're going through, just wants to drop a few likes before lunch so that they can feel like they care. Which is the most important thing. Drops in at the end of a thread that has long since moved on and confuses the shit out of everyone.
"And that's why you should always use brown sugar in the crust."
"I wonder what she'll look like in 20 years! LOL"
The Kevin Bacon. Knows everyone, or at least has met, or talked to, or made a latte for, someone famous. Must mention it. MUST MENTION IT. "Yeah, I love Oasis too! Well, not really. But Noel? He's kinda short."
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| Maybe. |
The paranoid narcissist. Thinks your status update is about them, but won't confront you with it directly, because years of meth has wiped out the part of their brain that gauges reality. "Oh, I see. That's interesting. ;) I guess I see how it is. LOL"
The passive aggressor. Makes sure their status update is about you, or at least, someone definitely on their friends list. Otherwise, why vaguebook? And why issue threats with a smile? "I guess some people aren't the friends I thought they were. Guess I'll have to start getting rid of some people in my life. Too bad, fuckers :)"
Remember:
If you wouldn't say it at a party, don't say it on Facebook.
We can see you.
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