Cake and Policy

There are four major schools of political thought in America: Liberals, Conservatives, Progressives, and Libertarians. Here’s how to tell them apart.

Liberals think everyone should get an equal slice of cake. Like, calibrated to within one micron. It doesn’t matter how long it takes, or how many people die of starvation from lack of cake, or how much money is spent, everyone will get an equal slice of cake. Even if they’re not actually hungry. Or they didn’t buy any of the ingredients. Or they don’t like cake.

An American.

Conservatives think the people who make the cake should get more than those just sitting at the table, which is why the cook weighs 500 pounds and is smeared with frosting. He also likes to take your cake away when you’re not looking, or buy your slice from you by giving you a coupon for two pieces of cake. Of which there is no more.

Progressives want everyone to pool all their ingredients to make a cake; that way, it’s fair for everyone to get a piece. Enjoy your slice made of lint and hair. Also, the cook is wondering when he’s getting paid.

Libertarians think this could all be resolved if everyone just made their own damn cake. Except the cook just loaded the oven into the back of a truck, and he sold the sugar to another cook. Fuck you, figure it out.