Showing posts with label mst3k. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mst3k. Show all posts

Friday, November 18, 2011

Who's the New Girl? Episode 201: Rocketship X-M

Having both an unhealthy obsession with classic pin-up style, which is coming back, and Mystery Science Theater 3000, which lives on forever, I've decided to combine my two lusts and create yet another series, this one based around pin-ups of the lovely ladies that starred in the b-movies MST3K skewered so hilariously. I will be taking on every single one of the relevant episodes, in order, because I have problems. Enjoy!

The series begins here. 



One of the first movies to seriously advance the idea of America conquering space, but surely not one of its best, Rocketship X-M was the braindeadchild of executive producer Robert L. Lippert, who went on to torture Joike and the bots with films like Lost Continent, Radar Secret Service, and Last of the Wild Horses. Lippert had read in Life magazine about a proposed moon expedition, and rushed this turkey into production in order to beat George Pal's Destination Moon to theaters. He didn't quite make it, so, here, Lloyd "my lungs were aching for air" Bridges pilots his annoying crew to the moon, but misses it due to the threat of a George Pal lawsuit and winds up on Mars instead. Total filming time: 18 days. 

About that annoying crew. There's the usual lantern-jawed captain, the sketchy foreign scientist guy, the "comic" relief (an agitated Noah Beery, who compares everything he sees to Texas), and, of course, the love interest. Strikingly (but stupidly) everyone on the crew dooms themselves; our boy Lloyd is forced to hold said love interest and fantasize about their entire future imaginary relationship as they turn into a fireball, so at least they don't die alone. And whom does the Dude's dad cling to as he becomes crispy? Why, no other than...     



"The reason Miss Van Horn is making this trip is because
of her pioneering research with monatomic hydrogen."
"...and she's cute as a button."

Born Aase Madsen, the slightly-easier-to-pronounce Osa hailed from wonderful, wonderful Copenhagen and had little interest in stardom as a teen -- her passions were newspaper photography, and, later, film editing. But while studying under Danish director Alice O'Fredericks, she agreed to appear in two of her films, which were released at the exact time Hollywood was prowling Europe for new cheesecake. Osa was snapped up by 20th Century Fox, and by the time she was 20, she'd made a splash in 1939's Honeymoon in Bali (playing a Polynesian, of all things). 

Her film career in the 40s was steady, the highlight being her catfight with none other than Joan Crawford in 1941's A Woman's Face, and being multi-lingual, she also found herself doing work as an accent coach on the side. Fox's attempt to turn Osa into the next Betty Grable failed, however, not helped by audiences confusing her with other foreign femme fatales like Ilona Massey and, oddly, older American character actress Ona Munson. Her turn as a cold and angry, then suddenly weepy and emotional,  scientist in Rocketship X-M was her last major film role. She appeared steadily on television through the '50s, notably on the old Perry Mason series, and then left the business, returning to her hometown. She died in 2006 at the age of 91.    



Friday, October 28, 2011

Who's the New Girl? Episode 113: The Black Scorpion

Having both an unhealthy obsession with classic pin-up style, which is coming back, and Mystery Science Theater 3000, which lives on forever, I've decided to combine my two lusts and create yet another series, this one based around pin-ups of the lovely ladies that starred in the b-movies MST3K skewered so hilariously. I will be taking on every single one of the relevant episodes, in order, because I have problems. Enjoy!

The series begins here. 



Not quite "the worst we can find," The Black Scorpion is actually somewhat above average for '50s giant monster movies. Meaning that the acting is fair, the script is decent, and the special effects range from awful to inspired (helped along by King Kong stop-motion legend Willis O'Brien). This time it's not atomic super rays but a good old volcano that awakens the giant scorpions -- that's right, there's more than one, and also some giant earthworms and spiders -- and they're attacking Mexico City, not, say, the Midwest. The script's main flaw is its delay in pulling the trigger on the budding romance between our hero, geologist Hank Scott (Richard Denning), and fiesty, impossibly beautiful ranch owner Teresa Alvarez, a character filled out quite nicely by...



"...I study interesting volcanoes." 
"...and you're one of them."

Santa Monica native Marilyn Joan Watts began her road to stardom on the beach at fifteen, but not because of anyone in the business; it was a kid in need of a subject for a photo contest who first discovered Mara. She eventually made her way into Earl Carroll's famous cadre of showgirls, which naturally led to Vegas; Mara could act, however, and it was on the stage that she finally found an agent. Becoming part of the Universal Studio system of developing young talent, she first entered the horror genre in 1955's Tarantula, which made her a literally hot property overnight.

Once a unused Esquire shoot of Mara was bought out by Playboy, leading to a unusual "double Playmate" month in October 1958, her place in babedom was secure. By that time, however, the studio system had been dismantled, leaving Corday adrift and stuck in genre flicks like, well, like The Black Scorpion, inexplicably dressed down and suffering from a wandering accent. She soon married actor Richard Long and left the business, but when he died in 1974, she had a brief acting renaissance thanks to being included in pics starring one of her closest friends from the contract days... Clint Eastwood.





Friday, August 26, 2011

Who's the New Girl? Episode 112: Untamed Youth


the babes of MST3K

Having both an unhealthy obsession with classic pin-up style, which is coming back, and Mystery Science Theater 3000, which lives on forever, I've decided to combine my two lusts and create yet another series, this one based around pin-ups of the lovely ladies that starred in the b-movies MST3K skewered so hilariously. I will be taking on every single one of the relevant episodes, in order, because I have problems. Enjoy!

The series begins here. 



One of the worst "rock and roll" films in a decade utterly littered with them, Untamed Youth is notable for two things: a rare on-screen appearance by doomed rockabilly legend Eddie Cochran (not at his best) and a bevy of three, count 'em, three, b-movie cheesecake legends -- all of whom were brunette beauty pageant contestants who wound up running from monsters on screen and off. This being a rock, not horror, movie, it existed mainly to let "real" Americans leer at the sweaty, steamy, writhing primal urges of today's troubled teens before assuring us that our youth, at heart, are really okay. Five, count 'em, five bad musical numbers, one catfight, a beatnik cook for comic relief. Unfairly trapped picking cotton for a rancher who is fed teen labor by a corrupt judge, the kids toil and fight and rock and shimmy until they get a little solidarity and rise up against the zzzzzzzzz. It doesn't matter, because such a thing would never happen today. And now, the babes.

Lori Nelson

"We were so hot, and we walked for miles!"
"She's still hot."

Santa Fe's Dixie Kay Nelson was a pageant baby and failed child star who found b-movie success after Universal worked her into the studio system at age 17. She palled around with Debbie Reynolds, dated tab Hunter, Dean Martin, Burt Reynolds, and James Dean, before finally settling down with songwriter Johnny Mann, effectively ending her movie and TV career. She's also seen in MST3K episode 801, Revenge of the Creature.
  

Jeanne Carmen

"Am I the sultriest person you've ever seen in your whole entire life?"

Arkansas native (and trick-shot golfer!) Carmen was a teen runaway who made it to New York to find fame and fortune any way she could. Dancing on Broadway led to her B-movie career, where the brunette was at first shoehorned into vampy Mexican roles. Tired of trying to pull off a Latina accent, she went blonde and never looked back. Her role in Untamed Youth led to co-star Eddie Cochran penning the rockabilly classic "Jeannie, Jeannie, Jeannie" in her honor; though they never dated, Carmen wound up going around with most of Hollywood's leading men, including Frank Sinatrra. It was this liason which led Jeanne to a close friendship with Marilyn Monroe; after Marilyn's suspicious death, she was reportedly told to leave town by mob boss Sam Giancana, and she became a housewife in Scottsdale, AZ. She re-emerged in the past few years to work the convention circuit, and passed away from cancer in 2007.




Mamie Van Doren

"You have more than a modicum of talent, my dear." 
"Oh, you mean these?"

Born Joan Lucille Olander, Mamie Van Doren escaped South Dakota with her family to find work in Los Angeles, and by 15, she was an usher at Hollywood's famed Pantages Theatre. With those looks, it didn't take long to get noticed; by 17, she was singing in a big band, embroiled in a tumultuous and abusive marriage, and a fixture on the beauty pageant circuit. By 18, she was out of the marriage and possibly dating Howard Hughes, who placed her in several of his films at RKO. By 20, she was a Vargas girl and Esquire cover model, and by 22 Universal had snapped her up as their answer to Marilyn Monroe. Unfortunately, even though she was a better singer than Monroe and a comparable actress, she never made the A-list, and when Universal dumped her at the end of the '50s, she made the usual sexpot circuit -- men's magazines, Vegas, the USO, and a series of steamy romances with seemingly everyone in the business, from George Hamilton to Steve McQueen to Joe Namath. By the '80s, she'd begun to find a new career as a retro icon, one which she proudly works even today. A true Hollywood survivor.



Friday, August 12, 2011

Who's the New Girl? Episode 111: Moon Zero Two


the babes of MST3K

Having both an unhealthy obsession with classic pin-up style, which is coming back, and Mystery Science Theater 3000, which lives on forever, I've decided to combine my two lusts and create yet another series, this one based around pin-ups of the lovely ladies that starred in the b-movies MST3K skewered so hilariously. I will be taking on every single one of the relevant episodes, in order, because I have problems. Enjoy!

The series begins here. 


"If we don't die, you want to catch a movie or something? I mean, if you're not alive I'll totally understand, it won't hurt my feelings or anything..."

Moon Zero Two was Hammer Films' low-budget answer to Kubrick's 2001, a "Space Western" where a renegade space-shuttle captain is blackmailed into mining sapphires or something for an evil space fop replete with space monocle. Not even a bad movie, just a really goofy and instantly dated one, what with the go-go dancers and the jazzy horn sections and the animated opening sequence that looks like Schoolhouse Rock meets Yellow Submarine. It also features a lot of what the Brits call "totty," mostly in dancing scenes. Most of these lovely ladies were never heard from again, although Mick Jagger's ex, Chrissie Shrimpton, gets a line,  and one of the fop's girlfriends is Amber Dean Smith, one of the first Penthouse Pets (NSFW!), featured here as the dumb blonde who can't play -- wait for it -- Moonopoly. (Okay, the film's kind of stupid.)

There were two ladies featured, however, who went on to bigger and better things:

Carol Cleveland

Although she only plays a shuttle waitress with few lines, Carol looks smart here in her Nazi stewardess uniform, which unfortunately leaves very much to the imagination. But even though the film was a flop, two weeks before it opened Cleveland had already secured her place in history when the first episode of Monty Python's Flying Circus appeared on the BBC. An accomplished actress, she actually studied at London's Royal Academy, but as the show's resident hottie, she wasn't able to show off her considerable comedy skills as often as she might have. The Pythons being very adept at playing women, Carol was left with famous lines like "But it's my only line!"  However, the show still locked down what was already an impressive TV career, and she's been beloved in Blighty ever since. Her talents were somewhat better served in the Python films, especially this famous scene.






Catherine Schell

Born Katherina Freiin Schell von Bauschlott, this Hungarian actress was the daughter of near-royalty until Nazi Germany and then the USSR robbed her family of their assets; she ended up at a convent school in New York and then acting school in Munich. Moon Zero Two was her third British film, and it led to her most famous roles: Bond Girl in On Her Majesty's Secret Service, comic jewel thief in Return of the Pink Panther (where she can be seen corpsing quite often), and as the shape-shifting alien Maya in TV's Space: 1999 series. In the mid-90s she retired from acting and opened a small hotel in France with her second husband, actor Bill Hays. After his death she closed it down, and is now fully retired; she retains a close connection with her Space: 1999 fans.




Friday, July 29, 2011

Who's the New Girl? Episode 108: The Slime People

the babes of MST3K

Having both an unhealthy obsession with classic pin-up style, which is coming back, and Mystery Science Theater 3000, which lives on forever, I've decided to combine my two lusts and create yet another series, this one based around pin-ups of the lovely ladies that starred in the b-movies MST3K skewered so hilariously. I will be taking on every single one of the relevant episodes, in order, because I have problems. Enjoy!

The series begins here. 




Susan Hart

"Ohhh! Tasting my daughter, I see! Well, I'll just stare at these curtains." 

Girl-next-door cute, and yet undeniably curvy, Susan Hart was one of those '60s starlets who learned how to make the most of her short career. This Washington State native found herself transplanted down the coast to Palm Beach while still in high school, and it was there on the beach that she was discovered by a rep from American International Pictures. The Slime People was actually her first film role; in it, she plays Lisa Galbraith, the older of two Professor's Beautiful Daughters put there to romance the male leads while they attempt to save the city (and the audience) from some kind of deadly, impenetrable fog.

Her combined film/TV career last just over two years, but she helped define the era, starring in AI's biggest and goofiest beach movies, from the Tab Hunter vehicle Ride the Wild Surf to the second of the Annette Funicello beach movies, Pajama Party, and both Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine and its Italian sequel, Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs. Soon after, however, she married the studio president, James H. Nicholson, and settled down to raise a family. Upon Nicholson's death in 1973, the plucky Hart took over his  current projects, Dirty Mary Crazy Larry and Legend of Hell House, and saw them through, eventually owning over 40 of Nicholson's classic horror films outright. By that time she was on her way to a semi-successful singing career, scoring a minor country hit in 1981 with "Is This a Disco or a Honky Tonk?" She then married Harvard prof Roy Hofheinz (son of the famed Texas pol) and took on a new career as an ice-skater!



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Thursday, June 30, 2011

Who's the New Girl? Episode 104: Women of the Prehistoric Planet

the babes of MST3K


Having both an unhealthy obsession with classic pin-up style, which is coming back, and Mystery Science Theater 3000, which lives on forever, I've decided to combine my two lusts and create yet another series, this one based around pin-ups of the lovely ladies that starred in the b-movies MST3K skewered so hilariously. I will be taking on every single one of the relevant episodes, in order, because I have problems. Enjoy!

The series begins here. 







Admiral King, to Irene Tsu's character, Linda: "We all have friends on Cosmos 3. We're all deeply concerned."
Joel: "I'm so concerned I felt compelled to touch you."

Okay, one woman. Singular. Arthur C. Pierce's original script was titled The Prehistoric Planet, but "Standard Club of California Productions Inc." decided to add "Women of" to the title in order to get horny mid-60s teens into the theater. A few brief scenes were filmed of unknown actresses, lounging about half-naked, but those didn't even make the US release. So what you get instead is three females aboard a futuristic spaceship, which crashes onto a womanless planet that turns out to be Earth. Dun dun dun.

And yet...


Known simply as crew member "Sally" in Planet, Frei was a model who made her debut as one of the 17 fembots in 1964's Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine. She then made a few -- very few -- TV appearances, and culminated her career with a bit part in 1980's Coming Home. After that she disappeared. 

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As Lt. Karen Lamont, Merry Anders didn't get to do too much in Planet except keep Paul Gilbert's incredibly annoying and piggish Lt. Red Bradley away from Sally. However, Anders had a career that belies the anonymity of that role: by the time she agreed to do this junk, this model-turned actress had already been a contract player for Fox for over a decade, leaving to attempt TV stardom with leading roles in forgotten sitcoms like It's Always Jan and the small-screen version of How To Marry A Millionaire (along with future star Barbara Eden!). Not long after she escaped this Prehistoric Planet (movie), she landed her best-known role as Policewoman Dorothy Miller in the late-Sixties, hippie-hating reincarnation of Dragnet. She left showbiz in the early '70s to become a Customer Relations coordinator with Litton Systems. She retired from Litton in 1994.

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Still acting today, New York-via-Shanghai's Irene Tsu began as a dancer on Broadway in Flower Drum Song and The World of Suzie Wong, and parlayed that into a forty-year TV career, with the occasional notable turn in Airport '75 and John Wayne's The Green Berets. (Trekkie Alert: She also had a bit part in the Voyager episodes "Favorite Son" and "Author, Author.") She gained extra attention, however, for letting Frank Sinatra exchange glances with her for a while sometime during 1970-71. If you know what I mean.

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